Postnatal depression and severe mental crisis.

I have written some lines about my postnatal depression, I hope it can help you. I worked hard to give birth to my first child that I was eager to meet and love. The day I became a mum for the very first time, I lost a part of myself that sadly I have never regained totally. With help from doctors, mental health workers, medication, and a lot of time, I have recovered most of myself, but struggle every day to stay in control and be a good wife and mum of two children.

I was suffering from postnatal depression.

Recently I found my suicide note in the red velvet box my wedding pearls came in. I wrote it ten years ago when I gave birth to my first child. Vaguely, I remember writing it, but I cannot remember putting it in the velvet box or placing it in the back of my bedside draw to be found one day after I was gone. I can remember my severe mental crisis, the desperation of how I felt at this time in my life, knowing there was something very wrong, but unaware I was suffering from severe postnatal depression, which eventually became a psychosis. Actually, I was in a city full of strangers with only the loving support of a confused and torn husband who had to travel for work so we could pay the bills. I had just entered my hellish journey from postnatal depression and psychosis to chronic, long-term major depression spiraling down into the depths of a place that I cannot even describe. My journey from the world of darkness, sadness, hallucinations, anger, and uncontrollable desperation to a medicated, primarily happy life today where I can study and work again has been challenging, to say the least, rewarding and disappointing at times and very taxing on the people I love.

Thank God for giving me strength.

I adore my family with every inch of my soul. And I cannot begin to explain the sadness that came over me recently when I read my words. Words of regret and hope for my child and husband after I was gone. Words full of desperation and sadness, words that carried so much grief and personal mental crisis. I thank God every day for giving me the strength I needed to keep going in those days, and pray for others like myself to reach out for help; I pray for everyone who walks the earth to be aware, compassionate and seek help from those in need.